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December 23, 2014

A different Christmas.

** I wrote this post on Saturday while in a not so great mood. When I re-read it I decided not to post it. My mood has greatly improved since then but I decided to publish because this is real life! For those who don't know my sister passed away from a kidney disease earlier this year. 

Christmas was my sister's favourite holiday. It was our entire family's favourite holiday actually. I have so many memories of Christmas with my tight knit family dating back to my childhood years. Watching Christmas movies, Christmas concerts at church (where she and I would sing), mummy's baking, the ham, the spread, the presents ... my entire family happily sitting around the Christmas table. We get giddy for Christmas. Well we used to get giddy anyway. 

I have no idea what Christmas day will look like this year and if I am honest I have avoided all things Christmas the entire season. This blog has seen not one Christmas post. I have bought only my immediate family presents with the exception of a mandatory gift exchange at work. I have instructed everyone around me to buy me nothing. I want no presents. My eyebrows remain unwaxed because I refuse to go to the mall amidst all the cheery shoppers to get to my salon to. I have completely avoided the season.

Not a Christmas song has been played in my car. I have exclusively listened to mp3's in my car since Christmas music started to play on the radio.

Not a Christmas movie has been watched. In fact I have barely turned on my TV in recent weeks because Christmas commercials are just depressing. I catch my shows later. 

I have no decorations up in my apartment save for one kangaroo with a Santa Claus hat and I will not be putting up a tree.

Speaking of trees ... my sister always .... ALWAYS ... decorated the tree at home. She had this thing about letting the tree have a different theme every single year. One year it was red, another year bronze, another year silver and green. It was her thing. 

None of her trees were traditional. Every one of them ... special.

In that spot this year, in my childhood home, stands no tree. The space is empty. 

You know posts are supposed to have a beginning, middle and end? Well this one doesn't. I just wanted to explain why "Christmas" has been absent from this blog that I started because of her. The fact that I'm writing this post though is a big step because for months I literally could not write about it. Even though I have avoided the season personally and physically, I have actually have truly enjoyed reading and commenting on everyone's posts and seeing everyone's joy for the season. I remember when I felt that way about Christmas. 

It was only last year. Before her kidneys completely failed her.

But it feels like such a foreign feeling now ... you know ... Christmas cheer.

I love my sister and miss her. And I can only pray that in the years to come I can enjoy Christmas, her favourite holiday, my family's favourite holiday again. 

Some day.

I am thankful that on Christmas day I will be surrounded by family and will have the love of my loved ones and friends. I have no doubt that my sister while not physically there will be with us in our hearts, memories, thoughts and in spirit. I am also thankful for all the beautiful memories I have of her and all the Christmases past! But this Christmas just isn't the same.

P.S. sorry for the downer during what is to be a happy time. I am ok I promise. 


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  1. i don't have the right words and i know i won't say the right thing, but i can't even imagine what you're going through. i hope maybe one day you'll be able to celebrate a little in her memory. hugs!

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  3. This breaks my heart and I am truly fighting back my own ocean of tears right now because I understand, completely and unfortunately. My sister isn't with us any more either and though it's only been 2 years I know that it will never truly her any easier. Hugs to you and I an so sorry for the loss of your sister. I'll be thinking of you.

  4. Thank you for sharing your honest feelings. This time is difficult for you and I am confident that you will be able to enjoy the holiday in time... there is no rush for you. I'll keep you in my thoughts this week.

  5. Oh girl sending you so much love! A holiday that is usually so celebrated is one that causes you a lot of angst and being able to get these feelings out there is such a huge step. Thinking about you and your family!

  6. I'm sorry I just don't have the right words to say....I'm so very sorry for your loss and I can't imagine what you're going through during this time! Oh Kay you will enjoy Christmas again one day!! Just like you said - you'll be surrounded by family on what is sure to be a hard day for you all...but I trust you'll get through it!! xo, Biana

  7. I am sure that this time is incredibly difficult before you. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but I hope that you make it through the next days and will one day enjoy the holiday again. Thinking about you and your loved ones!

  8. Listen. Some people have a hard time at the holidays for a variety of reasons. I can't imagine how hard it is for you at Christmas. Letting people know it's hard is okay. Don't worry about being a downer during a happy happy joy joy time. That's life sometimes, you know? Much love to you.

  9. I am so very sorry. I can't imagine how hard this is for you right now. It is okay to be sad, that is a part of your life. Big hugs to you.

  10. I miss her so much. My plans at the end of 2013: have mum and sisters here with me in Oz ("mum... Please tell the girls to save up! Make sure they're saving!") for my grad in October; then...... go home to TT in December for the Christmas I've so desperately missed. This year has been the most flipped on it's head year ever. Christmas will never be the same..... I don't think anything will.
    Thanks for posting pics of the trees in the blog. Such a tribute to her. She'd never know what the theme would be till she knew..... Then she'd text or email or Instagram me pics as the tree went up so I'd not feel too far..... Then of course the final reveal!!!!
    I miss her so very much.
    I miss and love you too xxxx

  11. A year isn't that long in so many ways. We all grieve differently. Love to you and your family! xx

  12. Such a sweet and heartfelt post that brought tears to my eyes. As hard as it may be, I hope your family will come together to laugh, cry and celebrate her life together because you know she is looking down and hoping you guys will keep her love for Christmas going in one way or another xoxo

  13. Sending you hugs this holiday season! There are so many out there who struggle around this time of year who are missing loved ones, so know that you are not alone. xoxo

  14. I am so sorry that this holiday season is so hard for you. My thoughts are with you & your family. I am glad that you have family to be around even if it won't be the same without your sister.

  15. I'm so sorry for your loss & I truly hope you can find a way to love the holiday you once found so much comfort in again.

  16. I'm so sorry to read this Kay, I can't even imagine losing my sister and what that would do to my entire life, let alone Christmas. I feel like I haven't been the same about Christmas since my grandma passed when I was 15, things just aren't the same. If I'm honest I'm a bit of a grinch at times. Thinking of you on this Christmas day and hope you and your family can surround yourselves with memories of her and her love of Christmas. Hugs to you Kay

  17. Just sending you love, because I have nothing useful to say. You're in my heart today.

  18. I'm so sorry for your loss. My mamaw passed away 2 years ago--she was like a 2nd mom to me, and I had a very difficult time dealing with her loss. Things still don't feel right during the holiday season, but having Kane has made things better. I found out I was pregnant with him a month after she passed away, and he really gave my family hope when we all needed it most. Prayers for you and your family!

  19. Oh honey. Your sister sounds absolutely amazing, and I am so so sorry that she was taken from you. I wish I could say something, or do anything that would make it easier, but I know it won't. I can only hope for the same thing for you, that one day you are able to enjoy it again. I am very lucky to have never lost anyone I truly love so I literally have no experience or words of wisdom.. just hugs and well wishes to you and your family. Big hugs darling xoox

  20. I am so sorry for your loss. Your sister sounds like an amazing person. I'm sorry she was taken from you so soon. I can kind of relate to your pain. Just know that she's with you in spirit and her love will never change. A year still hurts, I know. One day you'll be able to enjoy that day again, for her and yourself. Stay strong love. Prayers to you and your family.

  21. I read this when you posted it but wasn't on a computer to comment, so I had to make sure I came back to it! I'm so, so sorry for your loss and can't imagine the pain you're feeling, but everything you write about your sister is such an amazing tribute to her beautiful life. I'm sure it's hard to share sometimes but, really, she sounds like such an amazing person and you do such a good job of honoring her memory. I'm so glad you shared how much Christmas meant to her and all of the wonderful things she did to ensure that it was a special holiday for your family. I hope you all had a peaceful day and were able to remember her and know she was there with you in spirit.


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