A different Christmas.

** I wrote this post on Saturday while in a not so great mood. When I re-read it I decided not to post it. My mood has greatly improved since then but I decided to publish because this is real life! For those who don’t know my sister passed away from a kidney disease earlier this year. 

Christmas was my sister’s favourite holiday. It was our entire family’s favourite holiday actually. I have so many memories of Christmas with my tight knit family dating back to my childhood years. Watching Christmas movies, Christmas concerts at church (where she and I would sing), mummy’s baking, the ham, the spread, the presents … my entire family happily sitting around the Christmas table. We get giddy for Christmas. Well we used to get giddy anyway. 

I have no idea what Christmas day will look like this year and if I am honest I have avoided all things Christmas the entire season. This blog has seen not one Christmas post. I have bought only my immediate family presents with the exception of a mandatory gift exchange at work. I have instructed everyone around me to buy me nothing. I want no presents. My eyebrows remain unwaxed because I refuse to go to the mall amidst all the cheery shoppers to get to my salon to. I have completely avoided the season.

Not a Christmas song has been played in my car. I have exclusively listened to mp3’s in my car since Christmas music started to play on the radio.

Not a Christmas movie has been watched. In fact I have barely turned on my TV in recent weeks because Christmas commercials are just depressing. I catch my shows later. 

I have no decorations up in my apartment save for one kangaroo with a Santa Claus hat and I will not be putting up a tree.

Speaking of trees … my sister always …. ALWAYS … decorated the tree at home. She had this thing about letting the tree have a different theme every single year. One year it was red, another year bronze, another year silver and green. It was her thing. 

None of her trees were traditional. Every one of them … special.

In that spot this year, in my childhood home, stands no tree. The space is empty. 

You know posts are supposed to have a beginning, middle and end? Well this one doesn’t. I just wanted to explain why “Christmas” has been absent from this blog that I started because of her. The fact that I’m writing this post though is a big step because for months I literally could not write about it. Even though I have avoided the season personally and physically, I have actually have truly enjoyed reading and commenting on everyone’s posts and seeing everyone’s joy for the season. I remember when I felt that way about Christmas. 

It was only last year. Before her kidneys completely failed her.

But it feels like such a foreign feeling now … you know … Christmas cheer.

I love my sister and miss her. And I can only pray that in the years to come I can enjoy Christmas, her favourite holiday, my family’s favourite holiday again. 

Some day.

I am thankful that on Christmas day I will be surrounded by family and will have the love of my loved ones and friends. I have no doubt that my sister while not physically there will be with us in our hearts, memories, thoughts and in spirit. I am also thankful for all the beautiful memories I have of her and all the Christmases past! But this Christmas just isn’t the same.

P.S. sorry for the downer during what is to be a happy time. I am ok I promise. 

               

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